What not to say to young parents

You know those days when everything rubs you the wrong way? This would be one of those days. Mondays with too much to do tend to overwhelm me. So, in order to channel my angst into something productive, may I present a public service announcement. When my irritated brain derives twisted joy out of mulling over the same pet peeves, here's a favorite. My top three things ...

What Not to Say to Young Parents

1. When a pregnancy is announced:

• "I didn't know you were trying."
• "Was it planned?"
• (Wink, wink; nudge, nudge.) "You know what causes that, don't you?"

     Every time I hear one of these gems either directed at my family or someone else's household, I'm absolutely flabbergasted. Seriously? Does anyone truly believe they have the right to an intimate knowledge of someone else's intimate affairs? Is there some redeeming reason for Ms. Busybody to know if the baby-to-be was "planned" or an unexpected blessing? Is there ever an appropriate time for schoolboy crudeness? The right response: "How wonderful! Congratulations!" 

2. When talking to parents of a newborn (or any infant):

• "Is he sleeping through the night yet" 

     That would be a "no," Captain Obvious. Unless you have some magic power of inducing sleep for colic-y infants or you have no objections to holding a fussy baby for several late-night hours while the exhausted parents sleep, don't go there. This comment serves no purpose other than to make the hormonal, spit-up encrusted people before you feel like a failure. The right response: "S/he's adorable! When can I bring over a meal?"  (Before you ask, several years hence, it would also be wise to avoid the equally irritating, "Is he potty trained yet?" unless you personally want to sign up as sergeant for potty boot camp.) 

3. When talking to any parents of children younger than your own: 

• "Enjoy these newborn days, once he starts crawling, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these toddler days, once she starts school, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these preschool days, once he gets homework, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these days before they start driving. Once they get a license, your life is over."
• Etc.

Okay, we young parents get it. You, seasoned veteran, are having a rough time of it in the big-kid trenches. Here's the thing, though. What you think is a sweet reminder to us to enjoy the baby days is really a dismissive slap in the face. As in: "What you're going through isn't difficult. What I'm experiencing makes me a real parent." Yes, you have knowledge and experience that we don't have. Yes, in retrospect, fretting about the right style of pacifier pales in comparison to the worries we will have for our kids in the future. In the here and now, though, the difficulties of the moment are hard. Think back. You worried about this stuff, too. If you didn't, you worried about something equally inane. Instead of having a contest to determine who has the most challenging children and who is the most overwhelmed parent, could we just agree that it's all hard and support each other wherever we are on the parenting spectrum. The right response: "Sounds like you're having a rough day. What would make it easier for you?"

May 2008: Our favorite illustration of parent exhaustion 

Well, I certainly feel better. Now if you will excuse me, I need to set down my (much-needed) coffee and release the three noisy beasties from "quiet time." 

William & Erik updates

I'm still smiling about Erik and Anna's participation in their school Christmas programs last  week. Jamieson and I were not known for enthusiastic participation in public performance as little kids (read: shy) and Erik was once a wallflower in big groups. No longer. He bravely joined his class on stage for songs and Bible recitation for Thursday's school worship service at Immanuel. Anna did the same for the preschool worship service last Saturday. Both had the words well memorized and stayed with their groups without incident. Both services were beautiful. I can only imagine how pleased God is to hear the voices of children in worship, especially this time of year. Anna is our little singer and dancer below. Erik is in the second video, the shepherd in light brown behind the microphone. It's not the greatest video, and you don't get to see later in the program when he was intrigued by the tinsel halo of the angel next to him, but I just like it for the nice singing and the amazing sight of 25 kindergartners calmly in one place! 

William: 4 months

As for William, it wasn't my imagination, this little boy is growing like a weed. William had his 4-month check up Thursday morning. He's at 16 pounds and 26 inches, putting him in the 75th percentile all around. Somehow that translates to only 9-month sized clothes fitting him these days. He's a healthy guy, thankfully. I had to suppress a giggle when the doctor said we would talk about reading to baby at the 6-month checkup. I may not be on top of all child-development tasks, but that one we have solidly under control. 

Erik had his 6-year check up this morning. Our original big guy, he's in the 75th, almost 80th percentile for height. In weight, he's in the 25th percentile, which is where he's been for years. There were no health concerns. The doctor asked how Anna is doing, as well, to which I could only say our biggest problem was keeping the sling on her. Since it was only there to help her manage any pain, the doctor had no restrictions for her activities. So, here were are, a week before Christmas with everything I could want: a happy, healthy family. We are so very, very blessed. 

Never a dull moment

If anyone has any suggestions on how to keep my eyes on all three children simultaneously 24-hours a day, please share. I'm considering investing in sizable quantities of bubble wrap and developing a child-sized hamster ball. The mom-in-close-proximity approach is apparently insufficient to keep them safe.

Yesterday, Anna fell. I wish I could provide further details. Although I was just a few feet away, I wasn't looking at her at that moment, so I don't know exactly what happened. She apparently slipped on ice after school. There were no cuts, bruises, bumps or blood, but she has been crying off and on since it happened. Unfortunately, getting a straight answer about what hurts is always a challenge, so she told me she had pain in her head, hair, neck, ears, teeth, arm, heart, finger and toe. There has been no fever and most of the time she's been behaving like her normal self. When she needs to get dressed or climb into her chair for dinner, though, the tears flow. Yet, eating a cupcake or pointing at Christmas ornaments haven't created problems. After mentally going back and forth about if there was a real issue or a minor bruise, I decided to take her into the doctor this morning. The result: she has a "mid-clavicle fracture" on the right side. She needs to wear a sling for a week and go back for another x-ray in four weeks. As broken bones go, the doctor suggested it wasn't too bad. The break was minor and should heal itself quickly. Sigh. This was Anna's third set of x-rays in her three short years. By now, we are well aware of the short cut to the radiology department.

I had a sneaking suspicion early on in her life that Anna would be our Calamity Jane. She's so very determined to keep up with her big brother and his friends. This fall really isn't anyone's fault. The school had the walks salted. I was nearby. She wasn't running, for once. Still, she fell and has a broken bone. How can I not feel terrible? On the other hand, are we supposed to head straight home after school every single day and skip five minutes of me talking to other moms and the kids "socializing" with their friends? We parents, especially we stay-at-home moms, are commanded by media voices not to be "helicopter parents" lest the kids fail to learn self-sufficiency. I didn't hover and this is what we get: a charming, and resented, Snoopy sling. It isn't the end of the world, of course. It could have been a far worse injury and I'm sure we have other medical adventures ahead of us. Erik isn't slowing down, Anna is barely letting this event keep her down and William wants in on the action just as soon as he can scoot.

The boys have been less dramatic in their accomplishments this week. (This week? It's only Tuesday.) William has slept from about 7:30 p.m. until 6 a.m. two nights in a row. Delightful! Erik has his first loose tooth, so we may need to summon the services of the tooth fairy before Christmas. And let's hope that's all the drama we see for the rest of the year.

The Olsen boys: eating and partying

William tries cereal for the first time

After several weeks of staring at us at dinner and mimicking chewing motions, William was finally introduced to the world of solid food this week. He has had the standard watered down rice cereal in milk during dinner time. The first few bites earned a puzzled look, although no spitting it out. After that, he opened up like a baby bird and demanded more and more. Really, I think he's thinking whatever we're having looks more appealing, but he seems pleased to at least be doing some eating during dinner and not just watching the rest of us.

Since William won't be a full four months until the end of the week, this is one of those moments that showcases the difference between the third baby and the first. With Erik, I was determined to hold out on feeding him any solid food until six months because that's what the baby books said I should do and I was going to do things right! (Grandmas across the world, of course, fervently believe that a baby should be feed early and often, no matter what the "experts" say.) I think Erik finally got started between five and six months. Anna got her first real dinner around five months. Honestly, William probably could have handled solid food at least two weeks ago. I mentioned to someone that we were about ready to start him even though he wasn't quite four months. She asked what our doctor suggested, to which I responded, "I really don't care." It took me three tries to really, truly believe that we know our babies best.

For the record, I've also cracked open those free samples of formula for William's dining pleasure. I would prefer to always, always go the beverage by mom approach, but sometimes he's hungry and I'm busy. I've reluctantly accepted that no harm will befall him from drinking "powdered milk." There's no small amount of ego involved in feeding children sometimes.

And in other first news, I cut William's fingernails today. Not that he hasn't needed it many, many times before. This, however, was probably only the second or third time in six years of parenthood that I trimmed finger nails. That is Daddy's job! (And I have terrible eyesight and an extreme fear of hurting tiny fingers.) Except that tonight they were really, really sharp and both baby and mom needed them to be a lot less dangerous before bedtime. There was no screaming or shedding of blood on either side.

Erik: Dec. 11, 2005

And in other kid news, Erik turned six earlier this week, which is absolutely unbelievable. How he went so quickly from a tiny little thing to the tall, clever and exasperating bundle of energy that he is today seems astonishing. I could write a book on how it feels to be his mom. It's the most amazing, exhausting, frustrating, and exhilarating experience I could imagine. So many days, I feel completely undone -- worthless as a mom and better off going back to work anywhere so some more competent person could deal with my children. On the other hand, when Jamieson and I recently looked through old pictures, the ones from before December 2005 seemed so empty. There were a ridiculous number of dog pictures and some shots of places we visited, but nothing of the endless smiles and goofiness we've collected the past six years. I can only trust that God knows why he put such feisty, independent children in the care of such a stubborn, perfectionist mother and pray that we will get through the difficult days and treasure the good ones. Children are a blessing. Believe it or not, I love being a mom.

Erik and the present that Anna chose for him: a roaring lion!

More great 3-year old observations

Anna: My tummy hurts.
Me: What would make your tummy feel better?
Anna: My tummy is hungry, but not for lunch. Some of your cake would make me feel better.

What makes this so classic is that I clearly remember when I was small telling my parents, "My dinner is full but my dessert is empty." Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Or rather, the sweet tooth doesn't stray far from the cake.

The busy, busy life of a three-year old

It's a shame I don't get a chance to write down half the quirky things my kids say, but here's one that's stuck with me this week:

Me: Anna, did you play with the castle in the nursery?

Anna: Yes. 

Me: Did you play with the kitchen toys?

Anna: Yes. 

Me: Did you play with the dolls. 

Anna: No, I didn't have time. 

Since she was in the church nursery for about two hours Wednesday while I had a Bible class, I can only imagine how riveting the other toys must have been! Even better, today she announced that at school, "I played with the dolls today. I had time!" Good time management today, what with the Thanksgiving festivities and all! 

William update: 2 months

William at 2 months

It's been a busy couple of days for William (and all of us). Despite my misgivings about taking three kids and a dog north, my Wisconsin-native husband suggested spending our Columbus Day weekend in his home state. Grandma and Grandpa were willing to put up with our traveling circus for two days while we all enjoyed possibly the best fall Wisconsin weather ever. We enjoyed a brief hike at Devil's Lake. (The big kids enjoyed scrambling up the boulders along the Tumbled Rocks trail. Someday they're going to want to go much higher, I'm afraid!) William enjoyed the view from his baby carrier, and eventually convinced me to turn him facing out, which he will like better than his previous view of my chin. The kids also spent some quality time in grandma and grandpa's backyard "maze" and entertaining, or being entertained by Max. Surprisingly, William slept very well while we were there and traveled pretty well during the long car rides. How is it that traveling with a full van was easier than those first painful trips with a certain oldest child? 

Erik & Anna at Devil's Lake

As always, getting back into the routine after a few days away was a little rough. We had some crabby little people yesterday morning. Back to school day today was good for everyone. 

While Erik was at school, William and Anna had the misfortune of going to the doctor's office. William needed a check up and, while we were there, I volunteered Anna for her flu shot. She was very brave. William yelped, but recovered well. I believe during our weekend Grandpa may have refered to the young William as a "moose." Um, yep. He tipped the scales at 13 pounds, 8 ounces today. That puts him in the 95th percentile. No wonder my back hurts these days! The doctor said everything looked good. He goes back at four months. 

For myself, I'm trying to get ready for my mothers' club's craft show this Saturday. Come visit us!