What not to say to young parents

You know those days when everything rubs you the wrong way? This would be one of those days. Mondays with too much to do tend to overwhelm me. So, in order to channel my angst into something productive, may I present a public service announcement. When my irritated brain derives twisted joy out of mulling over the same pet peeves, here's a favorite. My top three things ...

What Not to Say to Young Parents

1. When a pregnancy is announced:

• "I didn't know you were trying."
• "Was it planned?"
• (Wink, wink; nudge, nudge.) "You know what causes that, don't you?"

     Every time I hear one of these gems either directed at my family or someone else's household, I'm absolutely flabbergasted. Seriously? Does anyone truly believe they have the right to an intimate knowledge of someone else's intimate affairs? Is there some redeeming reason for Ms. Busybody to know if the baby-to-be was "planned" or an unexpected blessing? Is there ever an appropriate time for schoolboy crudeness? The right response: "How wonderful! Congratulations!" 

2. When talking to parents of a newborn (or any infant):

• "Is he sleeping through the night yet" 

     That would be a "no," Captain Obvious. Unless you have some magic power of inducing sleep for colic-y infants or you have no objections to holding a fussy baby for several late-night hours while the exhausted parents sleep, don't go there. This comment serves no purpose other than to make the hormonal, spit-up encrusted people before you feel like a failure. The right response: "S/he's adorable! When can I bring over a meal?"  (Before you ask, several years hence, it would also be wise to avoid the equally irritating, "Is he potty trained yet?" unless you personally want to sign up as sergeant for potty boot camp.) 

3. When talking to any parents of children younger than your own: 

• "Enjoy these newborn days, once he starts crawling, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these toddler days, once she starts school, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these preschool days, once he gets homework, your life is over."
• "Enjoy these days before they start driving. Once they get a license, your life is over."
• Etc.

Okay, we young parents get it. You, seasoned veteran, are having a rough time of it in the big-kid trenches. Here's the thing, though. What you think is a sweet reminder to us to enjoy the baby days is really a dismissive slap in the face. As in: "What you're going through isn't difficult. What I'm experiencing makes me a real parent." Yes, you have knowledge and experience that we don't have. Yes, in retrospect, fretting about the right style of pacifier pales in comparison to the worries we will have for our kids in the future. In the here and now, though, the difficulties of the moment are hard. Think back. You worried about this stuff, too. If you didn't, you worried about something equally inane. Instead of having a contest to determine who has the most challenging children and who is the most overwhelmed parent, could we just agree that it's all hard and support each other wherever we are on the parenting spectrum. The right response: "Sounds like you're having a rough day. What would make it easier for you?"

May 2008: Our favorite illustration of parent exhaustion 

Well, I certainly feel better. Now if you will excuse me, I need to set down my (much-needed) coffee and release the three noisy beasties from "quiet time."